Saturday, July 3, 2010

A journal update/explanation about Pennsylvania, love, Jennie, and loving Jennie

Hi there, how's it going? I hope it's going well with you. I haven't used my blog as a journal in forever, so this is probably going to be a bit of a long post. I have a lot going on, and I'll hop right in.

I'll do a quick summary of the recent events of my life, since there's a lot of blank spots. Two months ago (May 8th, 2010) I visited my friend, Jennie in Pennsylvania. I was taking a bit of a trip to the East coast, as well. And I had intentions of touring, but things never really work out exactly like we plan, do they? Anyways, I was happy that so many factors of my life lined up perfectly to enable me to actually go. The finances were there, the time was there, her family was okay with me staying with them. Everything just seemed to fit perfectly.

Now, before I go on I should note that I've known Jennie for around 4 years, give or take. I met her through a friend through a friend online, and for the longest time I just liked being able to talk to her (she's a great listener). Eventually I realized that she was rapidly becoming the person I could tell anything to, because I was comfortable talking to her. I eventually did grow to like her, but probably loved her as a friend far before that. Anyways, despite the fact that we knew we liked each other, I decided to go on my trip to Pennsylvania as a friend. I didn't want to make silly emotionally rushed decisions, or anything like that. I know that meeting people in person is completely different from having talked to them through chat logs and web cams for years. I was going to be reasonable, logical, and reserved about the whole thing. I failed miserably.

A couple days passed, and I took my time. I analyzed my emotions and talked to her extensively every night, informing her about what I was thinking about and what I thought of everything. I was comfortable talking to her about all of it, and it was great.

Another side note, here. I've never been comfortable around girls that I've had crushes on. I've always been awkward, mentally blank, and unprepared to talk to them. I'm sure a lot of you know the feeling I'm talking about, but imagine that for everyone you'd ever felt attracted to every single time you were around them. Awkward.

So, in all honesty, my focus on touring Pennsylvania didn't last that long. It took a day or two before I realized that it was going to end up being entirely about her. I was okay with that development. I learned to love her family, they’re so unique and connected, and I could just feel the love. Everything about the trip worked out so well. On May 11th we discussed our emotions and thoughts, and I convinced myself that even if the logic didn't completely pan out, the love did. We both knew that it would be years of college that we would both have to complete before we could be together. We'd visit each other a couple times a year, of course, but it would be expensive and rare. We both decided that even with all those completely reasonable factors working against us, it was worth the chance. If you've ever been in unreasonable love, you know exactly what I'm talking about. After hearing that she was willing to wait that long to be with me, and knowing that I could as well, I asked her to be my girlfriend, and she accepted. Butterflies. That lone title means so much to me. To me, a girlfriend is a prospect of forever. The title is a risky investment, to be willing to put your own emotions on the line by binding them to another human being's. I wouldn’t have asked her that unless I was already in love. I spent the rest of my trip relishing the time I had with her, but knowing that I had to leave. When I held her at the security checkpoint and kissed her, I didn't say goodbye. I said "be right back". I had no idea. That was May 22nd, 2010.

A little after midway through June her mom brought up the prospect of me going to school over there. Jennie explained that the tuition rates for non-residents is much more expensive (300%). When Jennie told me about the conversation later that day, we both thought it was funny and adorable. Moving to Pennsylvania to become a student there was a novel idea, but there were too many reasons it wouldn't work. Or at least, that's what I thought. In practicality, it was not only possible, but very possible. We looked up residency laws, began planning in theory the variables that would have to be aligned for such a move to actually take place. The joke was gaining momentum. I expected barriers to pop up and prevent it, but nothing did. This was an opportunity to push myself out of the stagnation I've built up in my life, as of late. I could get a job there, gain residency, go to school, and be with my love, to find out whether or not she's the one. It's easier when you're not 2588 miles away. I talked to my parents about it that same day. My mom said I'd need a car if I wanted to move my stuff out there. The next day a perfect opportunity arrived, and we got the car I own now (Thanks grandma and grandpa).

The people I expected to shoot it down as irrational have supported me in it, I was expecting at least someone wouldn't be a hopeless romantic. Her family approved of it, my family approved of it, and I've been working to prepare for the move in July 2010. My insurance is at the address I'm going to live at. That odd, seemingly random fact is probably what caused me to realize that this is actually happening. Things like this don't happen to me. I sit on a computer for hours daily talking to friends and editing graphics or playing games. Here I am, though, typing out an explanation for those that were interested in one. I'm so happy. Actually happy - for the first time in a long time. Have you ever done the right thing, regardless of logic and reason, put it in God's hands, and let Him be Him? It's a wonderful feeling.

Jennie's flying in on the 13th (9 days, as of this post), and she'll be visiting with my family for the rest of the month, before we both drive back to the east coast with my stuff. I'm so excited.

I completely love everything about her, and I only want what is best for her. I don't pretend to know how everything will work out, but I know that love gives, and love cares, and I want her to know the princess that she really is. And every day is another day to show her what I know she deserves. I love it. I changed a faucet happily on Friday, because I realized that it would be an exercise in responsibility, and also realizing that someday I might need to do it when I get a house. Love changes everything, and it is enough.